Witness
As the dawn nears;;
I fear
where would the light strike this time;
“stay awake!”;
says the self;
Here starts another chapter;
Everything’s same as yesterday except this day and date; perhaps the contours now more familier than yesterday, not because they reveal anything new, but, they gain acceptance of their dissembled interfaces.
Chotti comes; glances of rebuke and some words rushing away to nowhere. He departs. I see her coming, nicely tied up; taking short steps; carrying what all I needed; both her lips trying to stay together; red red red; the red circle on her forehead spelling her identity; zero: nothing, can not be captured, would always loose;
She stood behind me for about three minutes, anticipating a somewhat different response
this time. I thought I was successful in confining that boundless elation. Soon, success took the shape of another failure. She settled her arms around my neck; this time with a lot more strength than usual and said “How mean?”
I never attempted to look into her eyes for she carried with her something which I had lost long ago. I kept quiet, waiting for an answer from the inquisitor herself. She didn’t. Instead she took the seat beside me and started searching. I responded with a furtive glance. For the first time I noticed two blue circles that reflected my self; Yes, my self and not myself, for there was still a distinction between the two. (Perhaps that’s why I couldn distinguish between circles and spheres).
Yet, she smiled and said nothing to break the deadlock.
She went away for the usual rounds, round and round, zero to one one to zero and …
and I behaved like a recalcitrant pig refusing to yield in front of those masses and that WHORE!!!.
Oh god! Kill me! Expel me from this world of yours. I don’t deserve to be here. How? How could I use that word that only fits with me.
See! I proved to you; you don’t exist, for I am still here; both my hands and legs complimenting each other in deriding you. I played with a lady, I played with a soul, I played with your creation and you couldn’t do anything. Your impotence let you down and still they say you are omnipotent.
I am at times afraid of this audacity of your’s! How can you be so cruel? So ruthless? Then what is the difference between me and you? Do something soon or else these souls would search for something else to personify their apprehensions and guilt. What do you feel, why do they come here? To worship you? Do you think they believe in you? How disgusting if you are living in false pretensions. I know, you know, they come because they hate themselves, because they want to hide themselves from their conscience .
“I want to hear nothing. I want to hear nothing. So let me close my eyes and this would help me in forgetting whatever I did till yesterday. Then I will start a new life. Fresh, and destroy myself again and again come to you to seek fogiveness.”
That’s what they think when they come here! You get that!!! Or shall I say some more?
Anyways; its time to get ahead; I don’t have time to fight with a defeatist. You stay like this; preening at yourself; soon they will come and make offerings to you and you give them what they want. But I wouldn’t for I want nothing and moreover you don’t have anything to offer. Even a beggar is better off! Isn’t it? At least he doesn’t hide his destitution. And you! you are unable to sleepwalktalkeat, but still you smile giving these dead bodies a hopeless hope that here is a man who loves pain, who loves to give and not believes in taking. I pity them and I pity your innocence for both are ephemeral. Three steps to your right you kill monsters and thirty steps from here they become monsters.
Let me have a cup of water, or for that matter this white liquid. No one is watching and its of no use to you. I have read, this body of yours would stop shining if too much of this is consumed and if that happens wouldn’t you loose this respect you have earned in the past 10000 years; might be more I don’t know. I know you can perfectly survive but I can’t.
(I take that huge bucket of diluted milk mixed with cashewnuts and grapes and few pieces of apple. Takes me no time to finnish it completely. Not even a drop is left)
There she comes. It’s this gait which distinguishes her. Truly calm and reposed, reflecting nothing but sense. She comes, sit just besides me; cross legged, searching for some shit within the bag which she always used to bring.
“You have had your breakfast or if you are hungry let me know; I have brought some fruits.”
“No”, I said raising my voice alarmingly; The coarseness in my voice almost intimidated me.
“I don’t want anything from you; why do you bother me again and again? Couldn’t you see I was sleeping? I couldn’t sleep yesterday night.”
“Why?”
“Why! You ask yourself. You said you would be with me last night. I kept on waiting outside till dawn.”
“Oh yes! baba was very critical of you. He was very annoyed with your barking last night. Oops!” She giggles;
still in a flow; sun reflecting thy sheen, rays sparkling in her smile and this moon filled with jealous extravagance. I could see in her eyes more than what I appeared. To me he was a complete stranger, whom I knew long ago.
I start my blabbering:
“I always believed in this multi-dimensional human existence, some dimensions tangible and some intangibles. At times, I think how strange this concept of infinity is; that any valid proof has a lot of assumptions behind it; but at times it appears as if this is the only tangible definition available. A belief, of a world beyond this world; a world which characterizes its tangibles with this world’s intangibles.”
:: “Fragment (consider revising)” ( she says, almost hurriedly).
“Do hell with it” I don’t care! You get me!! I am sure it’s meant to be put this way. Look, how can this tangible linguistic definition define the world beyond?”
“I didn’t mean that. Trust me. It was the computer which stated this.”
She looked terrible. Her expressions reflected my ineptness in searching for ways of expression, more accurate and more severe. I had now started enjoying this petrified face of hers’. This monster in me used to blow out. I wanted her to act small in front of me; wanted her to forget everything; just remember this creature who was very much a contradiction.
“I was also talking about the computer you, idiot.” She smiles hesitantly, still a bit scared and I hate myself for this; but life has to move on; along with all the guilt, along with all the shame. It’s been the same way for the past 15 years; so why should it change now?
Just because it’s her at the other end (elseways the other end always used to be represented by me).
No! it shouldn’t and thus it wouldn’t.
“Can we move ahead if you are thorough with your quips and taunts?” She is bitter and though I hate her for this but this hate is livelier; yes! Its because of her face which is so contradictory to this expression. This vermilion colors her forehead so aptly; I just love it when it spreads on her cheeks. The cream topped with apple and strawberry sauce. Suddenly I feel hungry.
‘Sex', they say, is what drives passion; How ABSURD! , how virile; passion has nothing to do with humans;
I touch her cheeks trying to get a feel of her; she denies, but I persist; she resents and the more she tries to withdraw herself, sterner I become. I see that speck of tear across her expressionless face which propmpts to leave her. I coudnt see her begging. She runs away without looking back but I know she would be back; where would she go? Her instrument lies with me and moreover they would strangulate her if she tries to be one amongst them. I know she understands. Perhaps I don’t; but I do and this world doesn’t.
It’s her completeness which I love. The traces of supreme satisfaction on her cheeks and still eyes exuviating the richness I yearn for.
I envy her smile; her child; her lover, her father; everyone who she knows for I yearn for my presence in anyone of those.
No! You moron!!! can’t hide this: I want my presence in every one of those; and more and more. That is the way I can reach for her soul, crush her in entriety; own her in my complete capacity so that I see this world through her eyes.
There is no end to desires. They begin from the time they end and ultimately you realize you have reached nowhere. That’s why, I believe, lust has to be dispelled from desires and then perhaps we can drive away with what we really want.
“We”, whom am I talking with? She has left and I don’t talk to anyone else.
No, you; you, you who is considered to be everywhere;
Who you?
Please, let it be you.
I understand, you understand and I don’t want others to understand. Let them live in their delusions and let me live in this illusion; but I wouldn’t share her with you. She could only be mine and I know you know this.
Its time for a nap and then perhaps we can continue (perhaps). You make me talk so much; And its me who always suffers, always!; I guess I am getting old.
Silence!
I can count my heartbeats, see myself breathing, goes up, up, up…
More, more more more…
Daaaooowwnnnnn as it falls...
Silence…
A sudden gust awakes me! Its so strong, as if trying to put a message across. She is coming! I know. She is nearing but this time I wouldnt let her go.
here comes choti…
“It’s going to be a hailstorm. You move inside or be ready to move outside. I don’t want to bring a bad name to this place which would be concomitant of your end“.
I refuse (as usual); rather disregard his presence. He used to speak the same words with the same expressions and getting used to him was one of my early adaptations to this monocratic lifestyle. Shouting incessantly, he moves inside and closes the door to my relief.
I glance towards the sky; now like my color, madness in its intent and ferocious as it may appear, it couldn’t intimidate me. Filled with an air of superiority, I start laughing. The smile becoming coarser and coarser; I was literally shouting when I saw her.
See! I said she would come and here she is; this time green is the color but rest is same. No, there are some modifications…tiny droplets submerge her from top to bottom, snakes now in groups and thus with a lot more strength than usual. The vermillion intact and still the way it was. I search for her in her eyes and she has only love to offer. I knew she would understand, I knew she would, for she represents an abstraction of my existence, my definition of reality or reality’s definition of my self.
“Look, what I have brought for you”.
I know !
“What”?
I smile for the first time before her and she reciprocates with an unusual expression; a mix of acceptance, timidity, superiority and simply herself.
I define it as ecstasy;
I move close to her (rather, move her close to me) sharing her warmth (willingly or unwillingly), smell her eylashes which were sprinkling with vermillon and tictures of raindrops (Platonic! such is the aroma of that mixture; add to it her skin), sensing her shadows within me and increase the strength of my grip. My hands now like a closed fenestra around her waist; my eyes open the floodgates. She gets intoxicated and I crush her within me; now just skin between us. I can count her heartbeats.
Silence!
Goes up, up, up and…
More, more, more, more…
Silence…
She tries to resist incessantly but refuses to shun away completely. I know, the resistance offered is not to stop her from entering my world; but, to stop her from leaving her grave; but she does, and I welcome her to my world with everything that I possessed, and wipe off her identity with the droplets which stood witness to all this.
‘this’ I believe has to be understood in great detail before moving further.
What had she brought?
What had she thought?
Were those tears for me or because of me?
Why did she close her eyes when I grabbed her in my arms?
Why didn’t the heartbeats went down?
Was she anticipating something else!
I fear
where would the light strike this time;
“stay awake!”;
says the self;
Here starts another chapter;
Everything’s same as yesterday except this day and date; perhaps the contours now more familier than yesterday, not because they reveal anything new, but, they gain acceptance of their dissembled interfaces.
Chotti comes; glances of rebuke and some words rushing away to nowhere. He departs. I see her coming, nicely tied up; taking short steps; carrying what all I needed; both her lips trying to stay together; red red red; the red circle on her forehead spelling her identity; zero: nothing, can not be captured, would always loose;
She stood behind me for about three minutes, anticipating a somewhat different response
this time. I thought I was successful in confining that boundless elation. Soon, success took the shape of another failure. She settled her arms around my neck; this time with a lot more strength than usual and said “How mean?”
I never attempted to look into her eyes for she carried with her something which I had lost long ago. I kept quiet, waiting for an answer from the inquisitor herself. She didn’t. Instead she took the seat beside me and started searching. I responded with a furtive glance. For the first time I noticed two blue circles that reflected my self; Yes, my self and not myself, for there was still a distinction between the two. (Perhaps that’s why I couldn distinguish between circles and spheres).
Yet, she smiled and said nothing to break the deadlock.
She went away for the usual rounds, round and round, zero to one one to zero and …
and I behaved like a recalcitrant pig refusing to yield in front of those masses and that WHORE!!!.
Oh god! Kill me! Expel me from this world of yours. I don’t deserve to be here. How? How could I use that word that only fits with me.
See! I proved to you; you don’t exist, for I am still here; both my hands and legs complimenting each other in deriding you. I played with a lady, I played with a soul, I played with your creation and you couldn’t do anything. Your impotence let you down and still they say you are omnipotent.
I am at times afraid of this audacity of your’s! How can you be so cruel? So ruthless? Then what is the difference between me and you? Do something soon or else these souls would search for something else to personify their apprehensions and guilt. What do you feel, why do they come here? To worship you? Do you think they believe in you? How disgusting if you are living in false pretensions. I know, you know, they come because they hate themselves, because they want to hide themselves from their conscience .
“I want to hear nothing. I want to hear nothing. So let me close my eyes and this would help me in forgetting whatever I did till yesterday. Then I will start a new life. Fresh, and destroy myself again and again come to you to seek fogiveness.”
That’s what they think when they come here! You get that!!! Or shall I say some more?
Anyways; its time to get ahead; I don’t have time to fight with a defeatist. You stay like this; preening at yourself; soon they will come and make offerings to you and you give them what they want. But I wouldn’t for I want nothing and moreover you don’t have anything to offer. Even a beggar is better off! Isn’t it? At least he doesn’t hide his destitution. And you! you are unable to sleepwalktalkeat, but still you smile giving these dead bodies a hopeless hope that here is a man who loves pain, who loves to give and not believes in taking. I pity them and I pity your innocence for both are ephemeral. Three steps to your right you kill monsters and thirty steps from here they become monsters.
Let me have a cup of water, or for that matter this white liquid. No one is watching and its of no use to you. I have read, this body of yours would stop shining if too much of this is consumed and if that happens wouldn’t you loose this respect you have earned in the past 10000 years; might be more I don’t know. I know you can perfectly survive but I can’t.
(I take that huge bucket of diluted milk mixed with cashewnuts and grapes and few pieces of apple. Takes me no time to finnish it completely. Not even a drop is left)
There she comes. It’s this gait which distinguishes her. Truly calm and reposed, reflecting nothing but sense. She comes, sit just besides me; cross legged, searching for some shit within the bag which she always used to bring.
“You have had your breakfast or if you are hungry let me know; I have brought some fruits.”
“No”, I said raising my voice alarmingly; The coarseness in my voice almost intimidated me.
“I don’t want anything from you; why do you bother me again and again? Couldn’t you see I was sleeping? I couldn’t sleep yesterday night.”
“Why?”
“Why! You ask yourself. You said you would be with me last night. I kept on waiting outside till dawn.”
“Oh yes! baba was very critical of you. He was very annoyed with your barking last night. Oops!” She giggles;
still in a flow; sun reflecting thy sheen, rays sparkling in her smile and this moon filled with jealous extravagance. I could see in her eyes more than what I appeared. To me he was a complete stranger, whom I knew long ago.
I start my blabbering:
“I always believed in this multi-dimensional human existence, some dimensions tangible and some intangibles. At times, I think how strange this concept of infinity is; that any valid proof has a lot of assumptions behind it; but at times it appears as if this is the only tangible definition available. A belief, of a world beyond this world; a world which characterizes its tangibles with this world’s intangibles.”
:: “Fragment (consider revising)” ( she says, almost hurriedly).
“Do hell with it” I don’t care! You get me!! I am sure it’s meant to be put this way. Look, how can this tangible linguistic definition define the world beyond?”
“I didn’t mean that. Trust me. It was the computer which stated this.”
She looked terrible. Her expressions reflected my ineptness in searching for ways of expression, more accurate and more severe. I had now started enjoying this petrified face of hers’. This monster in me used to blow out. I wanted her to act small in front of me; wanted her to forget everything; just remember this creature who was very much a contradiction.
“I was also talking about the computer you, idiot.” She smiles hesitantly, still a bit scared and I hate myself for this; but life has to move on; along with all the guilt, along with all the shame. It’s been the same way for the past 15 years; so why should it change now?
Just because it’s her at the other end (elseways the other end always used to be represented by me).
No! it shouldn’t and thus it wouldn’t.
“Can we move ahead if you are thorough with your quips and taunts?” She is bitter and though I hate her for this but this hate is livelier; yes! Its because of her face which is so contradictory to this expression. This vermilion colors her forehead so aptly; I just love it when it spreads on her cheeks. The cream topped with apple and strawberry sauce. Suddenly I feel hungry.
‘Sex', they say, is what drives passion; How ABSURD! , how virile; passion has nothing to do with humans;
I touch her cheeks trying to get a feel of her; she denies, but I persist; she resents and the more she tries to withdraw herself, sterner I become. I see that speck of tear across her expressionless face which propmpts to leave her. I coudnt see her begging. She runs away without looking back but I know she would be back; where would she go? Her instrument lies with me and moreover they would strangulate her if she tries to be one amongst them. I know she understands. Perhaps I don’t; but I do and this world doesn’t.
It’s her completeness which I love. The traces of supreme satisfaction on her cheeks and still eyes exuviating the richness I yearn for.
I envy her smile; her child; her lover, her father; everyone who she knows for I yearn for my presence in anyone of those.
No! You moron!!! can’t hide this: I want my presence in every one of those; and more and more. That is the way I can reach for her soul, crush her in entriety; own her in my complete capacity so that I see this world through her eyes.
There is no end to desires. They begin from the time they end and ultimately you realize you have reached nowhere. That’s why, I believe, lust has to be dispelled from desires and then perhaps we can drive away with what we really want.
“We”, whom am I talking with? She has left and I don’t talk to anyone else.
No, you; you, you who is considered to be everywhere;
Who you?
Please, let it be you.
I understand, you understand and I don’t want others to understand. Let them live in their delusions and let me live in this illusion; but I wouldn’t share her with you. She could only be mine and I know you know this.
Its time for a nap and then perhaps we can continue (perhaps). You make me talk so much; And its me who always suffers, always!; I guess I am getting old.
Silence!
I can count my heartbeats, see myself breathing, goes up, up, up…
More, more more more…
Daaaooowwnnnnn as it falls...
Silence…
A sudden gust awakes me! Its so strong, as if trying to put a message across. She is coming! I know. She is nearing but this time I wouldnt let her go.
here comes choti…
“It’s going to be a hailstorm. You move inside or be ready to move outside. I don’t want to bring a bad name to this place which would be concomitant of your end“.
I refuse (as usual); rather disregard his presence. He used to speak the same words with the same expressions and getting used to him was one of my early adaptations to this monocratic lifestyle. Shouting incessantly, he moves inside and closes the door to my relief.
I glance towards the sky; now like my color, madness in its intent and ferocious as it may appear, it couldn’t intimidate me. Filled with an air of superiority, I start laughing. The smile becoming coarser and coarser; I was literally shouting when I saw her.
See! I said she would come and here she is; this time green is the color but rest is same. No, there are some modifications…tiny droplets submerge her from top to bottom, snakes now in groups and thus with a lot more strength than usual. The vermillion intact and still the way it was. I search for her in her eyes and she has only love to offer. I knew she would understand, I knew she would, for she represents an abstraction of my existence, my definition of reality or reality’s definition of my self.
“Look, what I have brought for you”.
I know !
“What”?
I smile for the first time before her and she reciprocates with an unusual expression; a mix of acceptance, timidity, superiority and simply herself.
I define it as ecstasy;
I move close to her (rather, move her close to me) sharing her warmth (willingly or unwillingly), smell her eylashes which were sprinkling with vermillon and tictures of raindrops (Platonic! such is the aroma of that mixture; add to it her skin), sensing her shadows within me and increase the strength of my grip. My hands now like a closed fenestra around her waist; my eyes open the floodgates. She gets intoxicated and I crush her within me; now just skin between us. I can count her heartbeats.
Silence!
Goes up, up, up and…
More, more, more, more…
Silence…
She tries to resist incessantly but refuses to shun away completely. I know, the resistance offered is not to stop her from entering my world; but, to stop her from leaving her grave; but she does, and I welcome her to my world with everything that I possessed, and wipe off her identity with the droplets which stood witness to all this.
‘this’ I believe has to be understood in great detail before moving further.
What had she brought?
What had she thought?
Were those tears for me or because of me?
Why did she close her eyes when I grabbed her in my arms?
Why didn’t the heartbeats went down?
Was she anticipating something else!
posted by A Dream at 4:11 AM
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